I've realized I spend a lot of time thinking about negative things. I'm constantly going back in my head to things that I regret, stuff I wish I had done differently. In a way, I never stop beating myself up over the past, I don't forgive myself for the mistakes I've made along the way. I don't think I'm a terrible person, but I do believe I have a lot of things to work on, like being more productive, keeping my vices like drinking and smoking under control and acknowledging that I have more good things about me than I usually realize.
I also spend too much time being afraid of things that are beyond my control. I've got two months before I move to Seattle, abandoning much of the life I've known here. It's hard not to get consumed by my fear of failure; doing poorly in school, not finding a job and being good at it, being a disappointment to the girl I'm moving in with. She's important to me for so many reasons, and because of that I panic when I feel like I'm not doing what she wants. But the reality is, all she wants for me is to be myself and discover how good life can be.
I must remember to be grateful for everything I have. I'm young, healthy. I have willing, accepting personality. I'm loyal and hard working, and excel in anything I put my mind too. I've been telling myself for so long that I'm not worth anything that I've come to believe it's true. It's time for me to leave all of that behind. Everything is coming together in such a way that I can't ignore that this is how it's supposed to be, that I am about to do the best thing I've ever done in my life. The time has come to put my fears, doubts and self-worth issues behind me and become someone new. Me, but better.