Thursday, October 9, 2008

More Drifting

Things have been bad with Ashley and I. After finding out she had been messing around with another guy, my mind really started to go berserk and lose focus. I went up a couple days ago to talk things thru... but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to try and talk about things. I ended up just leaving and only making it a couple blocks before pulling off to the side of the road, breaking down and sobbing for half an hour or so.

Later on my way home I called her from Walmart, agitated, standing in the beer section, asking her to help me keep from getting drunk. She was annoyed. She doesn't understand the nature of addiction. We ended up talking about a lot of things. I felt better for a little while. At least I knew she still cared about me. But she made it clear our relationship isn't the same. She isn't serious about us the way she used to be. The way I am.

So I felt better til last night. Then I started feeling bad again. I asked if I could call her before I went to bed... she said no. Said that she was having people over, and then she was going to sleep. I don't think she's ever done that before. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. It prompted me to decide that I'm not going up there anymore. She said she likes to come and see me instead, so we can really be together and she can relax and feel normal and happy with me... I don't know if I believe her. I've always had the impression that the reason she is more distant when I go up to visit her is because she doesn't want people knowing about us. She only relaxes when we are alone or when she is reasonably sure we aren't around anyone she might know. It seems clear, even though she denies it... she doesn't want me risking her chances with other guys. That's what I've always felt, the moment I first arrived and she didn't hug me or kiss me... instantly I thought 'She doesn't want anyone seeing us together. Thinking she has a boyfriend.' Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should trust her more. But my instincts come on so strong in this situation that they are hard to ignore.

I have to accept it for what it is. Even if I'm not sure what it is. I have to be willing to be 'just friends'. She is stressed out by her roomates, falling behind in school... just knowing me at this point is stress she doesn't want. I have to be willing to be whatever she needs me to be... even if she needs me to be gone.

I don't want to date around. I love Ashley. But I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel lonely, knowing that she is up there doing things with other people, not worried about our relationship. I have girls who want to be with me. I think it's time I let them in. If Ashley doesn't want me... I'm going to find someone who does.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Common Sickness

Another bad few days. Tuesday night Ashley set me off. She was talking to me about how she hates her roomates again. I'm getting tired of having this conversation with her. I guess I was a little too 'in your face' with my responses. I want her to change the situation or stop complaining about it. I've watched this affect her for too long, I see how they walk on her. My anger got the best of me, but I was trying to help. My reward was discovering she didn't know if she loved me.

I thought I was above this. I know, no matter what she says or what my brain tells me, that we will be together in the end. I know the goals I set forth are not aspirations, but destinations. Yet somehow I caved. I broke into my sisters room, found her stash, and began drowning as I've done countless times before.

I got drunk Tuesday night, skipped school and continued drinking Wednesday, skipped school again to recover Thursday. I was vomiting for hours. Small wonder. I put away more liquor in 48 hours than most people can consume in a week. I was even drunk around my niece, though I doubt she realized how bad it really was. I justify my bad example by knowing that her mother isn't a better example. She drinks around her all the time, so what's the problem when I do it?

The problem is that I want to recover. I want to stop, to put it away. My sister revels in drinking, still believes it serves her as a positive thing. I abhorr it. Hate it because of the damage it has caused and continues to cause. I'm afraid to even think about the condition of my liver and kidneys. My stomach and regularity problems aren't incidental, as my niece pointed out so matter-of-factly to me last night. They are a result. And considering the life I've been living for the past few years, those complications are minor enough. Every day I wake up hungover I wonder if my liver will fail. Some nights after bingeing I feel certain I'm going to have another seizure. I am in pain, miserable when I spend hours over the toilet, vomiting up that foul, yellow ichor, wondering if the next time I do it if it will be mixed with blood. This is the sickness that has become all too common in my life.

I seem to meet with failure every time I try to dry out. I make all these breakthroughs in my classes, but when it comes down to it, I'm never able to resist when I need to most. I have to find a way to change, before I lose it all.

But how?