More Drifting

Things have been bad with Ashley and I. After finding out she had been messing around with another guy, my mind really started to go berserk and lose focus. I went up a couple days ago to talk things thru... but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to try and talk about things. I ended up just leaving and only making it a couple blocks before pulling off to the side of the road, breaking down and sobbing for half an hour or so.

Later on my way home I called her from Walmart, agitated, standing in the beer section, asking her to help me keep from getting drunk. She was annoyed. She doesn't understand the nature of addiction. We ended up talking about a lot of things. I felt better for a little while. At least I knew she still cared about me. But she made it clear our relationship isn't the same. She isn't serious about us the way she used to be. The way I am.

So I felt better til last night. Then I started feeling bad again. I asked if I could call her before I went to bed... she said no. Said that she was having people over, and then she was going to sleep. I don't think she's ever done that before. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. It prompted me to decide that I'm not going up there anymore. She said she likes to come and see me instead, so we can really be together and she can relax and feel normal and happy with me... I don't know if I believe her. I've always had the impression that the reason she is more distant when I go up to visit her is because she doesn't want people knowing about us. She only relaxes when we are alone or when she is reasonably sure we aren't around anyone she might know. It seems clear, even though she denies it... she doesn't want me risking her chances with other guys. That's what I've always felt, the moment I first arrived and she didn't hug me or kiss me... instantly I thought 'She doesn't want anyone seeing us together. Thinking she has a boyfriend.' Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should trust her more. But my instincts come on so strong in this situation that they are hard to ignore.

I have to accept it for what it is. Even if I'm not sure what it is. I have to be willing to be 'just friends'. She is stressed out by her roomates, falling behind in school... just knowing me at this point is stress she doesn't want. I have to be willing to be whatever she needs me to be... even if she needs me to be gone.

I don't want to date around. I love Ashley. But I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel lonely, knowing that she is up there doing things with other people, not worried about our relationship. I have girls who want to be with me. I think it's time I let them in. If Ashley doesn't want me... I'm going to find someone who does.