Monday, February 13, 2012

New Life, Old Feelings

Wow I can't believe I haven't updated at all since I moved. I want to say I've been too preoccupied to blog, but the reality is I haven't been doing much of anything. It's strange. Every day I feel like I've been doing things nonstop and yet when it's done I can't think of a single thing I did. I only have school once a week, I don't have a job yet. No other responsibilities to speak of. No friends to hang out with aside from the girl, but she works during the day. I do some chores around the house, go to coffee shops to get online and job search... but what else? I haven't been writing music, I mix sometimes but not nearly enough to justify all that gear I bought. I play games sometimes, but again not enough to totally occupy all this time. The last month has evaporated somehow, and I've got nothing to show for it.
The worst part is that even though I've had all this time to do whatever I want, I feel like shit. Like I'm really really down. I feel like I don't belong here. Which is stupid, because when I was living at home all I could think about was how I didn't belong there. I really thought this is what I was supposed to be doing with my life but if that were true, how could I feel so isolated and out of place? It seemed like everything was pointing me in this direction, everything happening in such a way that I couldn't ignore the feeling that I had a purpose here. Did I imagine all that? What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I happy? What the fuck do I need if not this?

I think I should write here more often. I need to figure this shit out, and I have nobody to talk to.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Storytelling Blog

The girl had a neat idea for an ongoing story blog where each post is a continuation of the story written by a random contributor. The link is here:
Read thru what's been done so far, and if you feel so inclined write a passage that she can add on to the story. It can be anything and go anywhere, so let your mind go. :)

Just a quick post today. Here's some deep vibes from Foreign Concept, not a name I'm familiar with but will definitely be watching for future releases from.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Random Memory

Life is short.
I remember once, years ago, my grandma passed away. I probably wasn't more than six or so at the time. My family learned that she was in the hospital, and we drove all night to Rexburg, Idaho to see her. I can only imagine what must have been going thru my fathers head. He must have known this was his last chance, the last time he would be able to hold his mothers hand and tell her he loved her. How horrifying must it have been to drive all that way, thinking, unable to do anything at all but continue driving, thinking, the road stretching forever in front of him, thinking, thinking, the sickening fear that he may already be too late sitting in the pit of his stomach like a lump of rock. When we arrived at the hospital I stayed in the car with my aunt and uncle, and when my dad came back out, tears streaming down his cheeks, they embraced him and told them they were sorry. I was confused. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Life is so damn short.'
Of course, at the time I couldn't understand his meaning. I was six. My life was short, but not his. He must be like 12, at least. The only thing I had ever heard in my life when I wanted to do something was 'You're not old enough.' To judge by my extensive experience, life took too goddam long. At this rate it would be hundreds of years before I drove a car or anything cool and fun like that. Was my father stupid?
He was not. In fact, he was attempting to impart in me the most important lesson I was ever going to learn. It didn't sink in until a few years later, when his own life was cut short. That night we drove to the hospital for grandma, he had been fortunate enough arrive in time to speak with her one more time, to hear her final words. I was not so lucky. A single, final heartbeat ensured I would never speak with my dad again. I would not laugh with him, argue with him, tell him my problems or share my excitement. He would never hear my music or see my potential, I would never think on his wisdom and come to respect him for the man he was. Over the years, I would need many things from him.
Instead I would have stone and silence.
How often do we pass on the opportunity to say something to someone, not knowing if we will get another chance? At the time, there are myriad reasons to keep words to ourselves; Nows not the time, I'll just do it later, they don't want to hear it, I'm afraid of how they will react, nobody will care what I have to say, it will just come out wrong. They all seem like good enough reasons. But the reality, as I've come to understand it, is that our lives can be swept away in the blink of an eye. It is no different than a candle flame guttering out in the wind, a snowflake dissolving onto your palm or a shooting star vanishing in the endless sky. We cannot hope to live longer, only fuller.
Because, cruelly, life is short.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I've realized I spend a lot of time thinking about negative things. I'm constantly going back in my head to things that I regret, stuff I wish I had done differently. In a way, I never stop beating myself up over the past, I don't forgive myself for the mistakes I've made along the way. I don't think I'm a terrible person, but I do believe I have a lot of things to work on, like being more productive, keeping my vices like drinking and smoking under control and acknowledging that I have more good things about me than I usually realize.
I also spend too much time being afraid of things that are beyond my control. I've got two months before I move to Seattle, abandoning much of the life I've known here. It's hard not to get consumed by my fear of failure; doing poorly in school, not finding a job and being good at it, being a disappointment to the girl I'm moving in with. She's important to me for so many reasons, and because of that I panic when I feel like I'm not doing what she wants. But the reality is, all she wants for me is to be myself and discover how good life can be.
I must remember to be grateful for everything I have. I'm young, healthy. I have willing, accepting personality. I'm loyal and hard working, and excel in anything I put my mind too. I've been telling myself for so long that I'm not worth anything that I've come to believe it's true. It's time for me to leave all of that behind. Everything is coming together in such a way that I can't ignore that this is how it's supposed to be, that I am about to do the best thing I've ever done in my life. The time has come to put my fears, doubts and self-worth issues behind me and become someone new. Me, but better.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dream Logs

Does anybody keep a dream log? I've just recently started. I promised a girl I would start, but I don't know why she would want me to. I don't see that it has much benefit. I've never believed that dreams mean anything. I see them as just random collections of images and ideas your subconscious mind pulls together in a nonsense way, and it doesn't actually mean anything. I only have a few entries so far. She will text or call me in the middle of the night to interrupt my dream since you retain it better that way, and I'll write about whatever it was I was dreaming about. I write it in greentext format (with a green pen, naturally) because it's easier to spit out ideas that way, rather than trying to form complete sentences and ideas when I'm barely conscious.

Now some music. Some dope dubstep from Camo, pretty sick.

Also since I'm writing about the girl, Beauty School by Deftones. We kissed for the first time listening to this.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Looks like I haven't posted since I got my promotion. I've been a supervisor for about two months now and it is not the most enjoyable experience ever. In fact there are some days that the only way I make it through is by remember that this is temporary, I'm not going to do this forever and next year my life is going to be completely different. I've found that working in middle management is difficult because, as a friend of mine put it who was also a supervisor for this company at one time, 'The shit rolls both uphill and downhill.' It was a very succinct way to put it; on the one hand, my employees are constantly looking for opportunity's to demonize me for not giving them all the things their little hearts feel entitled to, and on the other hand upper management has trouble sympathizing with my reasons for not cracking the whip to churn out faster, better results. More and more I realize how difficult it is to perform this balancing act day in and day out; keeping morale on my work force high so my employees don't hate their job, and meeting the increasing expectations and deadlines of my superiors, in addition to being able to go home each day feeling good about what I do and who I am.

I'll leave off with some music: I haven't heard anything out of Teebee for a while, so I was stoked to come across this.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fresh Music

Music is a huge part of my life, so it makes sense that I should be use my blog to share good music I've found with others. As a background, I started getting serious about music around 19. In high school I was into rock and metal, and I still like that stuff, but around the time I graduated I started going to raves and clubs. I knew I had always sort of liked techno, had a few CD's here and there, but at that time it wasn't the main thing I listened to. After the typical 9 month career of staying out raving late, taking drugs, getting in trouble and all that, I started really getting into the music. The drugs and the scene took a backseat to the DJ's and producers, and just like that I was hooked.
Now almost 10 years later, electronic music is still my heart and soul. I play and produce drum n bass, dubstep, minimal techno, ambient and downtempo, but will occasionally dabble in other styles if I'm in the mood. One of the traits of a good DJ is the ability to find unique, quality tracks; anyone can buy the latest releases, or the top ten house songs of the month, but a real DJ prides himself in the hunt. Here are some things I've come across lately that I'm enjoying (and hope you will too).

Naibu - Dusk
This is one of my favorite kinds of tracks, the sort where the beat doesn't change much and on the surface not much is going on, but it's engaging and intriguing throughout. Chill bedroom listening, with a piano hook that just makes you feel good.

Charlie P - On The Couch
An interesting twist to the usual wobble bassline dubstep is known for, this song has a sharp, swelling quality with a subtle, somber tone. Great drums too.

I'll end it here for now, maybe this can become a series of posts in the future. Enjoy!